Which Path?

      Sometimes it's difficult to make a life-changing decision. It would be so much easier to stay in the status-quo. 


     I have been waiting for a couple of years now for God to push me to go back to school to get my Master's degree in nursing ~ been planning on doing it since my graduation in '08. It's been easier to just, wait for the right time."

 Instead of a push, I've been getting little nudges. OK, I get it. Now is the right time. 
    
    I'm fifty three years old. 
In five years I'll be fifty-eight.
                                                                                                                                            
   What am I going be doing when I'm fifty-eight? It's totally up to me to choose. What path will I take? It's always easier to continue in the same direction than to change directions. Isn't that a law of physics? It takes more energy to choose a new path. 


             There might be many brambles and thorns, rocks jutting out of the earth, and 
                                      most likely I'll be climbing uphill the entire way.     
        
     I've sent in my application and I'm working on my writing sample for admissions in the Master's of Nursing in Education at Indiana Wesleyan University. 
                                 
                                                The first step has been taken.

Full Circle

     Today I have been perusing past journal entries. I am amazed how the same theme keeps popping up time and time again in my writings, in my thoughts and in my relationship with God. The theme is trust. I struggle with trying to figure things out and not living my life in my own power. This has been a struggle of mine since I was a teenager. All throughout my young adult years, the main subject I have dealt with has been trusting God. And now, in my "middle" adult years trust continues to be the subject of my heartcry. You'd think I might get it after all this time. I guess it's a process - like a potter making a useful vessel.

      The other part of the picture, which is totally related to trust, is faithfulness. God’s faithfulness. I can trust Him because He is faithful. He is always faithful. He always has seen me through. I have to laugh because the issues I was struggling with over a year ago related to my job, are the same issues that I am dealing with now and I have truly come full circle. It can be disconcerting to think that I have had three different jobs in the past year and now I am coming back to the exact same job that I left in December of 2009. In October of ’09 I journaled, “To stay in my position as circulator is so dead end. I just feel stagnant in my career and in my life. Why am I so dissatisfied?”

 It’s like God said, “OK, you want something different? Go for it.”

      

 I will have to say that I have met, and worked with a lot of different people that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I have seen many perspectives and broadened my horizons and realized that the grass is not always greener. The other thing that God has taught me through this is that maybe I’m not supposed to be getting “my fulfillment” through my career. Yes, I believe it is my ministry - my mission to care for, and learn from the people who God has placed in my life. But my fulfillment is to come from Him. He is the one who gives me my worth because He has created me in his image and has redeemed me.

Isaiah 31:3 ”I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving- kindness.” 

 

     A good friend of mine told me of an experience she had going through a labyrinth. According to the Encarta World English Dictionary, a labyrinth is a place of crisscrossing tunnels, passages or paths where it would be easy to become lost. Something that is made up of many different parts that is complicated and hard to understand. Now, doesn't that sound like life? Anyway, after traveling through this labyrinth, she ended up where she started - at the beginning. She was disappointed and wondered what the purpose was. She realized that she didn't really end up where she started, because she had experienced the journey. I take heart in that and in knowing life is a journey. When we feel like we're not making much progress, let's just keep traveling the path that is set before us. We are on a journey and we have choices. If we follow a rabbit trail, God will bring us back around and we will be the better for it. That's the trip of life. It's an adventure - the adventure of life. 

My New Year's Resolution

     My New Year's resulution for 2011 - mindfulness. Mindfulness is a discipline. Our culture is vehemently against it. Our American society is all about getting in the fast lane, climbing the ladder of success, running, working, and striving for the goal. Well, my goal is mindfulness.  Mindfulness is finding joy in the little blessings God places in my path everyday. It's so easy to just pass those by without a single notice.  It could be a touch of beauty in a hard place, a hint of goodness in a not-so-favorite coworker, or a scent of something wonderful in a frenzy-paced moment. Those bits can only be captured at the moment they are offered. If I'm so engrossed in busyness that I fail to sense the joy, it is lost.
    So, this year I will be looking for...

                                                                         wild beauty

                                                                        solitude

                                                                         new life

                                          happiness and fulfillment in the present 

                                                                  sweet baby cheeks

fruitfulness

                                                                           simplicity

  wonderment and exploration

the time to ponder

  
     Yes, it is time for me to incorporate the discipline of mindfulness in my days. I must be alert and watching, for at any unexpected moment I could be passing up an opportunity for joy. I am going to capture those blessings and enjoy 2011.

      Well, another Christmas has come and gone. What an absolutely marvelous Christmas we had this year. We had great times of happy mayhem - wrapping paper flying, noise levels at very high decibels, and laughing and eating around a beautiful table. The most precious of all my memories is the sheer pleasure and pure joy in a two-year-old's eyes. Nathan, jumping up a down with arms flailing, "Oooh, ooh, ooh". He truly could not contain himself.    
     You know toys these days are so tightly secured, it almost takes a chain saw to get them out of their packaging. It took me about fifteen minutes to get four little train cars out of the box and into the hands of an excited toddler. He would get one train car, take to a safe place and come back for the next one. He was sure to get the entire gift.
     Nathan reminded me of the way that we should be when recieving what God wants to give us every day. He saves us not only so we can get to heaven, but so we can live in freedom and forgiveness and joy in this life. He bestows grace upon us so we can repent and be righteous and then he gives us more grace so we can work more repentence and righteousness into our lives. That's what living the Christian life is all about. That is what sanctification is all about.  I want to recieve from God all that He has for me - not material blessings so much, but the ability to forgive, the grace to live in freedom, and the joy that comes through obedience.

Hoping

    The other day, Elizabeth and I were talking about Santa Clause. Now, I know that her mom and dad downplay Santa and are teaching their children that Santa is pretend. I asked Elizabeth if Santa was coming to her house. She said, with all the innocence and expectation that a three-year-old can have, "I hope." Her two little words were full of sweetness and anticipation.

     Hebrews 11 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I think we have hope placed in our DNA. We are made for something beyond this world. We were designed for a perfect place and we desire in our deepest parts to be in that perfect place. Unfortunately, I often spend my energy in trying to make my little world perfectly comfortable instead of looking to the one who will bring me into the fulfilling relationship that I truly desire in my heart of hearts. I need a hero, a rescuer, a knight in shining armour -- a Savior.
     Christmas is all about hope and anticipation. There is a line in a popular Christmas hymn which describes the time of Jesus' birth, "the dawn of redeeming love". In all of history, the day Jesus was born is at the center of importance in the unfolding of God's redemptive plan. The birth of Jesus ushered in redemption. That's huge! That's what we're celebrating this time of year. In that redeeming love lies our hope.

Get Out of the Boat

     Wow, it's getting to the end of 2010.  I like to take inventory in the holiday season and think about what God has done in my life in the past year. There's always surprises - twists and turns that I never could have prepared for or expected.  
     This July, I started reading a book by John Ortberg entitled, "If you Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat." It was about making an effort to get out of your comfort zone by exercising faith in accomplishing God's will for your life. After a couple of chapters, I decided that it wasn't for me at that time. After all, I'd gotten out of the boat a couple times in the past year and things didn't work out so well. I was doing great just floating along - trying not to make any waves. Well, about halfway through September, God kicked me out of my boat - my nice, cozy boat that was doing just fine, or so I thought. Yeah, I had to get out of my comfort zone. Here is a quote from the preface of the book.

As a follower of Jesus, you want to go where he calls you. But walk on water? What does that mean? Walking on water means facing your fears and choosing not to let fear have the last word. Walking on water means discovering and embracing the unique calling of God on your life. Walking on water means experiencing the power of God in your life to do something you would not be capable of doing on your own. Expect a few waves to slap you in the face. Failure comes with the territory - but so does the strong hand of Jesus, pulling you up when the bottom drops out. 

    

                                                                                    
     Now every day I'm walking in faith. I definitely don't want fear or insecurity to have the last word in my life. God is always there. It's a good thing for a person to step out in unknown waters - and exciting to see what Jesus does. I just have to keep my focus on Him.

Getting Past the Hangups

     "And now He stands in victory. Sin's curse has lost its grip on me." 
    Why is it that I get so stressed out with the thought of being on call, working long hours, and being so very tired. It's more than just stress. It's a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and a feeling of dread. I have been placed in a job where I will be doing all those things again. It has been wonderful being out of that situation for about six months. It has been wonderful! Now I'm right smack dab in that scenario again after I have fought it for so long. It's so obvious to me that I am here because I'm supposed to be. Why does God return me to situations time and time again that make uncomfortable? Maybe He wants me to work through it, be healed and move on to bigger and better things. When I look back over my life I see where He has healed me bit by bit of many of my hangups. Believe me, I have plenty left - most of which I don't even realize exist. He's placing his finger on this one at this season in my life. He is healing me and freeing me all the time. I need to let Him do his work in my heart, grow me up, and set me free.
    Lord, I feel the basis of my dread is from a time when I felt totally abandoned in a call situation. I recognize my feelings of abandonment. I know I'm your child, you love me, you were there in my desperation, in my deep aloneness. I acknowledge my utter helplessness and dependence on you. Heal me from my false beliefs that have come out a painful experience. I choose to believe in the truth and reject the lies. You are my Father, you will take care of me. You are the King and I am your daughter. Oh, I know that doesn't mean that I will never have difficult situations. I reject the thoughts that the Evil One places in my mind of worthlessness, vulnerability to the whims of those in authority over me, and helplessness. You have given me authority over foul spirits and demons through the blood that you have shed for me on the cross. I do not allow them to have any place in my thoughts, my body, or my domain. I praise you! I give you the honor and glory due your name. You are worthy of all the honor and praise and glory that exists in the universe.